Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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