Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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