first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
