I wish I only lived at night.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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