see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
