Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
