nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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