i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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