I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I see more hoeing in ur future
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