FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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