why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
