Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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