i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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