My hand turned me down
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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