How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
