Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
