I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
