Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
