If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
