Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
