I'm jealous of your bromance
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
