He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
