I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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