We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
