I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
