Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
