I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
