..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
