I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
