dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
