Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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