I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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