If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
