If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
