my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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