1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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