the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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