Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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