i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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