The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
should my penis look like a turkey
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
