so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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