The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
