Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
