Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
