Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
