im about as happy as oj after his trial
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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