I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
