hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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