Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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