im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
