I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
