her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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