You're my little dorito
I hate all girls vehemently.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
