If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
