im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
