you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
