I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
