just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
